by Brooke DeNisco
If you’re visiting a close friend or family member with memory loss, the holidays can be poignant, awkward, funny, and everything else. Hopefully, these tips will be helpful. Asking the staff in your loved one’s community for assistance and ideas is always a great idea.
Bring Familiar Items
Photographs, jewelry, sports memorabilia, yearbooks, or other personal items can spark memories or at least break the ice. When visiting someone with memory loss, using a “prop” can help get the conversation going. Even if the person doesn’t remember the item, they will likely enjoy seeing it.
Converse, Don’t Quiz
It can be hard not to try to jog the memory of someone with dementia. (For example, “Remember when you taught me how to fish? We went out on your boat every summer…”) Speak in general terms instead of posing direct questions or asking people to recall specific facts. You might tell them you recently went on a fishing trip and caught a trout. You could describe the weather and sights and smells of the boat.
Short and Sweet
Having a large group of unexpected visitors might be overstimulating to someone with memory loss. At least at first, have a few people visit at a time. Stay calm and low-key so your excitement doesn’t produce anxiety. Give the person you’re visiting some time to get used to your presence, and gradually become more animated or invite others to join you. Keep visits to about half an hour unless it’s clear the person is having a good time. You might leave for a little while, let the person have time to rest or use the restroom privately, and then come back for another short visit.
Avoid visiting when the person gets medical treatment or takes a shower. If you ask a staff member, they can tell you the best arrival time. They will also appreciate that you’re showing respect for the schedules and routines that are in place.
Show Affection
Sometimes, simple gestures mean the most. Hugs, smiles, or a friendly handshake can offer comfort and familiarity, even when words fail. Nonverbal cues like a warm smile and calm tone of voice may make a larger impact than your words. Even if your loved one doesn’t know your name or can’t place who you are, they will likely connect with your warmth. Just your presence can offer a meaningful connection to someone with memory loss. Even if they don’t remember the visit perfectly, they will carry the feeling it gave them in their heart.
Try an Activity
There are likely games, movies, puzzles, coloring materials, etc., at the community you’re visiting. Activity staff are a great resource because they will know what activities your loved one enjoys. You can color, knit, or work on a crossword puzzle. Even if the person doesn’t join you, it may put you both at ease, and people derive satisfaction from observing you enjoying yourself.
Be Inclusive
People who don’t have visitors may be drawn to join you. Including others is a way of getting to know your loved one in a new way and enhances the lives of others in the community. Consider bringing a treat that can be shared or a plant everyone can enjoy. Children are universally welcomed. Many memory care communities collaborate with schools or Montessori centers for intergenerational programs.